Mmmmh… This is a rough one. Specially for those close to me. 
So take a breath with me. This isn’t easy to read. It hasn’t been easy to live.

This was probably one of my deepest wound and it took me a long time and many approaches to alchemise that story. When I was 16 years old, I felt in love, or so I thought.  Turns out the guy I was dating wasn’t exactly a dreamy prince on a white horse. He was more a “dwelling in anger selling weed” kind of anti-hero. 

The relationship lasted about 20 months. And like many first love story, the first few months were actually joyful… Despite his already noticeable burst out and peak of jealousy, he was, on many other levels, a good guy. He was incredibly smart, we shared the same taste in music, he was a reasonably good artist and above all, he did gave me the impression of being loved. 

The turning point of the violence was because of a lie. When the truth came to light, that’s what turned the fire on. And from that moment onwards, it all went down to hell.

I think it’s important to break down the different types, expressions and faces that violence can take. 
On a daily basis, you deal with mental abuse and with it comes the fear. The inappropriate comments, the insults, the reprobating looks about how you dress, how you express yourself, how you behave… Not knowing how he’s gonna wake up in the morning. Basically, is he gonna be in a good or bad mood? This kind of manipulation is probably the one sinking the deepest because it is a permanent reminder that in order to be treated with respect, you have to be on the edge. 

Then comes the physical violence. Spread across time, even today those moments seem unreal. Like weird creepy dreams… Part of yourself still wonders, did this really happened? Hours in therapy helped me finally acknowledging that yes… I did almost died from the hands of the man who was sleeping next to me every night. 

At last, comes the sexual violence. Now I want to make this very clear, every sexual act while being in domestic violence is a sexual abuse. Sex becomes a way to “calm him down”. As all your muscles tense, your body shuts down every sensations and your mind start shouting : “maybe by doing this sacrifice it will make him realise how much I love him and all this will come back to normal”. Sneaky little bastard, I call upon hope! What a f*cked up feeling. (More on that in an other article).

Don’t let your mind wonder “what about her parents, friends, family …?! Why they didn’t do anything?!”
First of all, don’t you think they’ve suffered enough from hearing about it years after? Don’t you think they wondered where the f*ck they were? How could they not see, why did this happen to their own flesh and blood, under their own roof? 
So if your judgmental mind is striking on duality or ruling for right and wrong, maybe try to switch it to compassion instead. 
Cause really, that’s all they need and deserve. 

Secondly, Please simply let them out of this. How could they have known what wasn’t even alive in my own awareness? 
A woman caught in domestic violence is jumping between two part of herself : 

The first one is denial. You don’t know what you don’t know. And in order to stay into a life threatening situation, you jump straight into dissociation mode. This is how you face the situation. By being unaware of it. We could go deeper into this as well, and surely I will. What does it mean to be unaware? How do you put the light on what you don’t know? Wanna hitch? You tap into your feelings… 

That’s where an other part of us comes alive, spending the time in the relationship mastering the art of dissimulation. And don’t take this away from us… It’s a real art. Making everyone around us believe that, it’s all good. We got this. We are happy. He is a good guy… And we do this so no one will confront us with the question : Why do you stay?! With the judgment : you deserve better! Looking at you with so much unconscious pity that you can hear their thoughts : “poor girl… she should just leave him…”
Btw, the answer is no. We can’t ‘just’ leave him. Otherwise we would. 

Of course, all those comments, all those questions… that’s all in our head. All is being birth by a mind that, from a very young age, maybe even before we were born, has been trained to believe that love was violent, abusive, unsafe. I could and will go way deeper on this in an other issue. But I think we all got enough to think about for today :) 

Before I let you go back to your life, I hope you realise that unfortunately this story is just one out of hundreds, thousands, it belongs to millions of women. Mothers, sisters, daughters. Which means it belongs to men too, fathers, brothers, sons maybe even you. Violence is not rare. It is systemic. Violence in our society is predominant. It doesn’t have to be life threatening. Ignoring, ghosting, putting someone on a hook, judging, acting as if you knew better, cheating, … Men have a lot to uncover from years of patriarchal history. And I am making myself available for all of it. 

My own recovering and alchemizing journey has led me to realise, one of the reason I stayed back then… One of the reason I use to let men treat me like my feelings didn’t matter… It’s because I love them so much. I care so much for the masculine. And don’t take it as a weakness, this is where some of my greatest power come from. 
Since my awakening, my divine feminine essence has led me to find balance in the way I relate to man. I’ve learned to set my boundaries strong, to communicate clearly and this led me to open my heart even more… This allows me in my professional life, to hear the unspeakable with no judgment. 

So I want you to know, my love for your guys, for all parts of you, is truly… Unconditional. I know… it must be hard to believe as most of you might probably hold resentment to some of those parts. You might even call them shadows right? You’re dancing with them, you spend your Sunday’s hitting pillows, your Friday night shouting at the moon around fire, and your Monday morning plunging into creepy cold waters until your balls get bleu… So that the pressure vanish for a while. Until one night, you wake up sweating again. And it’s back right? That unbearable feeling you’re pushing down so you can keep acting out and be in the world. And you start the whole journey again. But your brain never really gets rid of the thought that something is “evil” in you. So while the most aware of you keep away from relationship, by fear of hurting the other, some others find release with porn and substance abuse, while some just commit the crime.

So what do we do now? 

I am opening one on one session. For the ones tired to act out. For those ready to surrender but don’t know how to face their anger, their frustration, their hidden addictions or their darkest desires. Nothing is too much for this space. Nothing is beyond redemption. I am here. Not to heal you. But to hold space where what has been felt like a threat from the feminine essence can now come back to live and being received with Love so that you too, can become Kintsugi Masters of your own so called demons. So you too can step out of shame, guilt, solitude, … This is your ticket out of victimisation and denial. 

Spread the news, share the story… It’s not time to shout at “Monsters” anymore. It’s the era of forgiveness, of facing ourselves with radical acceptance. 

The New Earth is a golden age where we dive deeper, beyond our humanness and the stories linked to it… We’ll go all the way down to the soul. Where there’s no time and space, no right and wrong… All the way down to the beginning, back to your essence and your core frequency. God, that essence, is a kinky weirdo, and if you’ve been doing the work but still struggle with demons, chances are… They’re not yours. So let’s send them back to the light and bring you back to yourself, or maybe lead you to meet yourself for the first time. 

Now.. I know I said I’d stay playful in this periodic, but I also said I would go dark when needed. 
And sometimes darkness doesn’t leave room for playfulness. 
So in the absence of playfulness, I’ve made a point of honour to make it poetic. 

Thank you to my dear friends Thierry Pommerell for capturing those incredible pictures. Neither of us would have thought back then that the shooting would end up giving birth to one of my most liberating piece of work. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. 

To my parents and sister, my love and gratitude for you goes beyond words. I wouldn’t have chosen different. I see you, I honour you and I feel you for who you are. If you ever happen to read those words, please know that I do not hold any grudges towards what we have lived. I am at peace with my inner child and the two of us are truly rising from those misfortunate adventures. 
 
 To my friends, thank you for your support, your presence, your open arms… every tears that has been held by your open hearts has helped me trust the process and come back to myself.
 
 To my therapists and space holders, I want to express my deepest gratitude. Your non judgment, guidance and wisdom have helped me recover and put the light on my own denials. 
 
 This article is the product of all the people quoted above, 

This means you too, Thomas, I will keep your last name silenced for the sake of privacy. If you ever read those words, may you know that I have no intention nor desire to ever hear from you again. This being said, I hope your heart has found some peace and your mind some clarity. I wish you all the love and true deliverance from your suffering whatever that form might take. 

Wow, what a ride today ! 

Thanks to all readers for sticking with me. 
 
 With love, 
 
 Lou Xx